Spoof Window Cleaner Spams The Spammers

Spam is the plague of the electronic age, comprising 90% of all e-mails and illegally netting millions of dollars each year. Into this frustrating wave of directed marketing steps the brave figure of Bob Servant, a former window cleaner and cheeseburger magnate with a love of wine, women, and song—as well as a devious sense of fair play. In collusion with his "editor" Neil Forsyth, Bob gives spammers a taste of their own medicine. This wickedly funny and original book features the anarchic exchanges between Bob and the hapless spam merchants who unwittingly flood his inbox. As they offer him African fortunes, Russian brides, and get-rich-quick scams, he turns the tables by offering them some outlandish schemes of his own. Upping the ante with the skill of a seasoned pro, Bob demands legal asylum, shoulders to cry on, and gold lions that speak—and almost gets his way. The result is page after page of wacky and hilarious e-mail exchanges—and a cathartic release for anyone whose inbox has been deluged with unwanted e-mail. Other window cleaners have also tried this.

It's all come as a shock to 32-year-old Neil Forsyth, who now lives in Edinburgh. He admits he first started replying to the spammers purely because he was bored. Neil said: "I was sitting on the couch one night and I got this email entitled 'Delete this at your peril'. It was a particularly funny scam which didn't make any sense, so I decided to reply. "It kicked off a six-month period where I started talking to spammers all over the world but, as I didn't want to use my own name, I opened an email account in the name of Bob Servant. "That was largely because I found it funny to sign o the emails 'Your Servant, Bob Servant,' and the more I spoke to them, the more I built up the character around it. "Spammers would ask about my life, so I created this character of a 62-year-old window cleaner and cheeseburger van operator in Dundee.

"I'm from Dundee and I know a lot of old guys like that who like to tell a story and tell a joke, so the character was almost a tribute to them. "I started off doing it just for amusement but my girlfriend at the time thought it was funny and so did my agent, so it came out as a book." Neil used his character to make outlandish requests to his new email pen "pals", who were happy to indulge him in the belief he would eventually give them cash. Neil said: "A lot of these email conversations got quite surreal.

"I started off by wondering just how far I could push these spammers before they lost it but I think they assumed that Bob had a mental illness and hung in there in the hope they'd get a fiver out of him at the end. "It was very much a case of starting off relatively sensible and then quite quickly the exchanges would become rooted in the absurd." One such tale involved Bob asking a contact if he could provide him with a talking lion for his zoo back in Dundee. Within hours, the contact was claiming he had spoken to someone who had a talking lion for sale and that the animal would be shipped to Scotland in exchange for some cash. Neil said: "The story with the talking lion is the one people mention the most.

"But I enjoyed the conversation with a Russian woman called Olga whom Bob fell in love with. "Suddenly, Olga's 'agency owner' called Sasha - who had the same e-mail address - popped up asking for his cut. "It resulted in Bob launching a business in Dundee. Him, Olga and Sasha were going to go around building novelty lakes in people's gardens. "The spammers had absolutely no problem in saying they would do that as long as Bob sent the air fare so they could come and join him."

Neil even got one spammer to admit he was a conman. He said: "I really enjoyed that exchange, as he twigged that Bob was joking. He replied saying that he thought Bob was very funny and I ended up having this strange conversation where he was openly admitting what he was up to. "He said he lived in Malaysia and I asked him if a lot of people fell for what he was doing. "He said it was a minority but that was all he needed. It was interesting to hear him openly discussing his work."

First released in 2007, Neil's book slowly became an international cult hit. He said: "I had been getting on with other books and other projects but Delete This At Your Peril spread through word of mouth. It got picked up a lot by American colleges. "That generated a bit of interest over here and then Irvine Welsh named it as the funniest book he'd ever read. "Tom Simpson, who is the keyboardist in Snow Patrol, also heard about it, as he comes from Monifeith. He passed the book around the band. They then passed it on to Richard Colburn, who is the drummer in Belle and Sebastian. "They both mentioned it to a lot of people and they might also have mentioned it in a couple of interviews, which helped stoke things as well. "I missed much of this because I was living in New York and, at this time, the book wasn't for sale any more, so it was a real phoenix-like rise from the ashes."

The renewed interest led to Neil writing a sequel in the form of his comic character's autobiography entitled Bob Servant: Hero of Dundee. He said: "You could describe Bob with any positive adjective but you'd have to put the words 'self-proclaimed' before it. He's a self-proclaimed good guy, a self-proclaimed man of the people and a self-proclaimed success story, who sees himself as a local boy done good. "He's now retired and spends his time trawling the streets and bars of Dundee looking for the respect that he thinks he deserves." His success led to BBC Radio Scotland producing an adaptation of the first book with Dundonian Cox starring as Bob. Comic actors Sanjeev Kohli, Felix Dexter and Laura Solon play the spammers.

Neil said: "I was absolutely delighted that the whole thing came together with such a talented cast of actors. It was a real pleasure to hear them bring it to life. "And Bob would think the fact that Brian Cox was playing him was just about right. I think he would see himself as being very much on a par with Brian. They're two local boys done good." As for Neil, he's still coming to terms with the fact his comedy character captured the imagination of so many. He added: "There's another Bob book I'd like to write and there's talk of a TV adaptation as well, so we definitely haven't heard the last of him."

The unmissable business opportunity

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD 

To: Bob Servant
Subject: JOB OPPORTUNITY/ MAKE MORE INCOME
Dear Sir/Madam, We are Lanzhou Global, a specialist in the production of rubber belts such as power transmission belts, conveyor belts, etc. We need agents to receive payment in bank wire transfers and to resend the money to us. You earn 10% from each operation. Your job is absolutely legal. You can earn up to 3,000-4,000 pounds monthly.
Best regards,
Admin/Human Resources Manager,
Xiong Li

From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Hello there
My name is Bob Servant and I am a semi-retired window cleaner. I am very interested in working for your company. I have a big garage that I could convert into an office?
Many thanks,
Bob
PS What would be my job title?
PPS Is there a uniform?

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Hello Bob,
Thanks a lot. Listen Bob, this job does not require your much time or space. You do not need a uniform for this and get 10% of each payment. You can give yourself any title you want. Please give us your full personal and banking details so we can get started with this now Bob, Thanks,
Xiong

From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Xiong,
I am an old-fashioned kind of man and as far as I'm concerned if you are working then you wear a uniform. What kind of look do you go for? Do you wear a suit or a branded tracksuit? I want something tight, that's vital. It makes me feel alert.
Your new employee, a proud member of the Lanzhou Team,
The Big Man, Bob Servant

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Hello Big Man!
We are glad to have you as our staff, please send the information that we need. Do what you think is best for a uniform, Bob. We trust you. I wear a suit.

From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Xiong,
Hello boss! I have been trying like a bastard to find the right uniform for the job and I think I have it – a boilersuit that I bought for £30. I've really enjoyed my first two days of working for LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD. It's been all go, but I have had a great time. I'll get to grips with the form tomorrow.
Yours loyally,
Bob

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Dear Bob,
The uniform sounds perfect. You should wear it when you are doing your business as you will look smart.
Bob, do not hesitate to send back your job application form. It is very important and we need this information for our system.
XIONG

From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Xiong,
I have been very, very busy. I know you want to get these forms done, but it's not all about paperwork in business, Xiong, you should know that. What we need, Xiong, is to let people know that we are here and we mean business. Rubber belt business.
I've started spreading the word locally. I have also been thinking about a staff night out. Obviously, as things stand there is just me here in the Scottish office, but I was thinking of inviting a couple of people. I think that Chinese would be the most appropriate, as I'm sure you agree!
Is that OK? Shall I just keep a receipt and send it over to you?
Your Faithful Employee and Friend,
Bob Servant

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Bob,
Thank you again for your hard work for the company. I think that the party is a good idea, and yes we would prefer you to eat at a Chinese restaurant. But Bob, you have still not given us your national insurance number, bank account information and phone number right away.
Please hurry Bob
Xiong

From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Xiong,
My friend. We've had some good times together. We've laughed and joked and worked damn hard to get LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD the respect that it undoubtedly deserves. But things change, my friend. I'd like to place on record how much I have enjoyed my time working with LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD. I suppose this is goodbye, Xiong. I will never, ever forget you.
Your ex-employee but lifelong friend

Bob "Xiong" Servant

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Hi, How are you? I know from the start you are a clown, I laugh a lot when i read from you.

From: Bob Servant
To: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
Hello there,
Yes, I was pulling your leg. All the very best with the old "Lanzhou" line. If you don't mind me saying so, I think it needs a bit of polishing. Tell me, where are you from and do many people actually fall for this stuff?
Stay strong,
Bob Servant

From: LANZHOU GLOBAL LTD
To: Bob Servant
Hello Bob,
Of course many people do fall for it, you know lots of gimimicks now and you make your cash. I am from Malaysia, tell me more about you.

No reply

The real life story..

Stockton Springs man convicted of wire fraud for 2nd time: A jury in U.S. District Court found a Stockton Springs man guilty Wednesday of soliciting money from several individuals, funds he then invested in an international money scam which officials say didn't exist. Todd Denson, 50, was convicted of 13 counts of wire fraud -- the second time in four years that he has been implicated in such a scheme. Denson spent 14 months in federal prison in 2007 and 2008 after he pleaded guilty to seven counts of mail and wire fraud.

Denson will be sentenced at a later date on his latest conviction but could face up to 20 years in prison and a fine of up to $250,000. Jurors deliberated for nearly 3 1/2 hours Wednesday after hearing almost two full days of testimony from witnesses called by Assistant U.S. Attorney James McCarthy, including a U.S. Secret Service agent who has investigated Denson for years. Denson's attorney, Virginia Villa, did not call any witnesses and did not ask Denson to testify in his own defense.

The trial centered on whether Denson intentionally defrauded people when he asked them for money with a promise that he would pay it back. For several years, dating back to before Denson's first conviction, the man has been involved in an Internet scam that many consumers received e-mails about but few followed through on. The premise is simple: The e-mail recipient is instructed to send a certain amount of money overseas, usually to an African country, in order to access a much larger pool of money, usually millions of dollars. Similar scams were operated through mailed letters and fax machines for decades before they moved to the Internet in the 1990s.

Denson evidently became convinced the scam was real. In 2006, he claimed he sent $60,000 of his own money overseas with the promise that more than $9 million had his name on it. When Denson learned that he needed to send more money, he began asking individuals to "invest," but was untruthful about what the investment was. The U.S. Secret Service first began investigating Denson in 2006. The man later confessed he misappropriated nearly $80,000 from several residents of Cumberland County, where Denson used to live and own a window-washing business.

In order to attract investors, Denson fabricated stories about how he had made millions designing window-washing equipment or how he stood to inherit millions from his long-lost father. He later pleaded guilty to seven counts of mail and wire fraud and was sentenced in Portland in June 2007 to 18 months in federal prison. He served about 14 months, but court testimony revealed he began engaging in the same scam almost immediately after his release. In most instances, Denson was able to document his alleged wealth. In one case, he played a phone message to a potential investor from an overseas bank that confirmed his wealth, witness testimony revealed. In another, Denson told Secret Service agents that he traveled overseas and physically saw the money.

Three reputed victims testified Tuesday morning that Denson persuaded them to give him money with the promise that he would pay them back more than what they gave. One victim, Gary Plante of Oakland, was supposed to get a private loan from Denson of $185,000 so he could buy a home. Plante deposited $5,000 into an escrow account at Denson's request to help facilitate the loan. Nearly a year has passed and Plante has not gotten the loan or his $5,000 back.

Another victim, Camillia Arelia, whose hometown was not available, knew Denson socially and at one point offered to give him money on the stipulation that he pay it back. Denson assured her that he had millions overseas that he could access. Like Plante, she was never repaid. "Evidence showed this defendant defrauded and cheated [victims]. He made promises he knew he could not and would not keep," McCarthy said in his closing argument. Villa said her client still believes there is money in an overseas account for him, and she told jurors that the prosecution never proved that Denson didn't have the money. Also here & here.